If I’m quiet, I must be ‘stable’… which is a state of inertia that I find is far from the reality. I am treading water, so am I stable or am I waiting for tiredness to overcome the efforts to remain ‘stable’. Then, perhaps, I would sink inevitably.
Always reflecting, always questioning and never really sure of what I can do to be ‘me’ after approximately 50 years of copying others to connect.
When ‘masking’, there was a functionality element to existence that was attractive until I was overwhelmed by what I now know to be part of Asperger’s.
Those times took a a part of me away where I knew that they were subsequently damaged and withered, suggesting that they had died.
Maybe they are growing again like the perennials in my garden I tend. I walk gingerly through the minefield of social nuances, defining, categorising and sometimes guessing my way, often apologising and asking if I was going in the correct direction as I was not sure I understood the directions.
Now I am more willing to ask for directions rather than look back at the mines I accidentally set off, apologising over and over as my confidence and self-esteem sunk.
It’s a precarious existence where any wave can unsettle, but as I grow stronger I’ll be more of an evergreen I hope.
Exploration of Life as a Neurodiverse Creative 