Actor or Self?

I have been thinking about my late diagnosis and how I have managed in life up until then. Of course,  l haven’t exactly metamorphosed into a different being but I have become less controlled in my emotions and anxiety levels. At 55 years old I am going through,  abet a rapid, journey of being oneself (whatever that means).

If one has been given permission to not be an actor all the time then it’s inevitable that what’s left is raw and not entirely tamed. Seeking the balance to exist without pissing others off must be the way forward. However, as one autistic writer has noted…

“…you concentrate on maintaining an elaborate performance to relate to those around you while suppressing your natural mode of speaking and acting. Before I learned how to do this daily performance, people would cringe from my blank face, my monotone speech, my impatience with normal pleasantries. If it sounds exhausting and demoralizing, it is. ” (Condo, 2020)

The cost to oneself can be high emotionally, particularly if you do not yet have the understanding and support around you. Yes, a bit on the negative side but understanding and awareness must surely improve scenarios that have proved challenging.

References

Condo, Christine. M. (2020) ‘Perspective | “You don’t look autistic”: The reality of high-functioning autism’, Washington Post, 3 March. Available at: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2020/03/03/you-dont-look-autistic-reality-high-functioning-autism/ (Accessed: 12 May 2021).